06 December 2007

Text of Bush Letter to Kim

The text of Bush's letter to Kim Jong Il has been leaked. Apparently, the cleaning staff for the Oval Office pulled this draft from the executive waste paper basket, unwrinkled it, and has released it to select outlets (those who were willing to buy said cleaning staff a burger). So here is the letter, though this may not be quite the same text as the final copy delivered by Hill.

Dear Mr. Kim,

I have struggled with this letter, not so much because I don't know what I want to say to you, but because I couldn't figure out how to address it. Should I call you Mr. Kim? Chairman Kim? Comrade General Kim? Dear Leader? I couldn't see addressing the letter to "Dear Dear Leader" though – too redundant.

So what is it I want to say to you? Well, what I want to say I have been told is not acceptable to be written down, because then it would end up in the archives for all eternity, so those comments I will save for my diary and memoirs.

Instead, I would like to invite you to trade in your membership in the Axis of Evil (AoE) for a new membership in the Club of Formerly Evil but now on the Mend, or COFEBNOTM for short. If you will give up your evil ways, I will stop calling you evil. You stop making nucular bombs, I stop blocking all your bank accounts. You give me your old nuclear bombs (and no, I don't mean give them to me on the end of a missile flying over the Pacific), I offer you the privilege of being recognized by me (meaning I won't ignore you when you wave at me while passing each other in the mall).

In short (and no, that wasn't a pun on your stature, though now that I think of it, that would be funny), I am nearing the end of my presidency, and all the countries I didn't get to bomb I am offering a chance to act like Libya and give up all your self respect, wear a dress and eye shadow, and beg people to take your natural resources. If not, I still hold the nuke-'em suitcase until 2009.



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